Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
