The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
