I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
