his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
