I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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