Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
