I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
