I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
