I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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