I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize