She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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