I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
