I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
