i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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