I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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