fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
