I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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