Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
