cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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