You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
