An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize