1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
