It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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