Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
