I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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