when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
