He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
