Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
