After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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