Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
