I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
