I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
