Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
