it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
