So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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