i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
