just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What a dumb baby whore.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
