No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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