I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
