During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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