I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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