mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
