i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
