You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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