my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
