the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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