Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if only i could text you this smell
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
