Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
