Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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