Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
