She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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