i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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