She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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