Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize