Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think people are normalizing furries
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize