Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
