Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
