Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
